I stumbled into Silence dragging my anger behind
Urgently seeking something I could not describe
I was a cheerful, happy person on the outside
An angry, blaming, and furious one on the inside
I did not intend to be angry with myself and others
It just came boiling forth when I least expected it
For the life of me, I could not stop it
It was as if a switch turned on and another person took over
Then came the shame, the apologies, the determination to do better
I blamed my constant back pain, my work demands
I blamed my upbringing, my family, and my friends
I blamed myself most of all as I again vowed to stem the anger
Who would choose to live with a person like me?
A kettle poised to boil over any time, day or night
My insides tightly coiled while balancing everything
With the profound determination to do it all, perfectly
I staggered into Silence to test the waters
I sought something that seemed elusive and undefined
I had no idea what lay crawling and writhing beneath my surface
Anger just simmered slowly, waiting for the ignition of the flames
When the burn came roaring in, as it always did
I was fabulous at this expression of rage and power
I was a masterful example of a woman scorned
I was always right in this one-sided state of explosion
It took me years to walk away when I exploded
It took me hours in Silence to remember I was loved
It took profoundly deep tears to forgive my behavior
It took countless hours naming all the fear fueling my rage
I would not have survived without finding Silence
Somehow in Sacred Space, I could not hide
I could not use excuses, I had to face my demons
I had to see the poison I was creating through my anger
So I wrote from my deep heart, cried, and tried again
I sought deliverance from myself and I felt my heart sigh
I was filled with an uncanny vibrational presence
That felt like God’s love to me, even as I questioned it
As I painfully acknowledged all my anger and attack energy
I began to realize that somehow, miraculously, I was still loved
My behavior was not me, it was something I could address
I even felt the thrill of Divine Presence within when I spoke the truth
I finally got that I just needed to stay on the path
To wholeness, to truth, to continue seeking peace
All else was given, continuously, again and again
My job was to work through every last morsel of anger
I spent hundreds of hours writing out my woe
Dear God was always my intro, designed to keep me honest
All the accusing, writhing, self-denunciating, despicable me
Laid out scrupulously revealed as an offering to Divine Source
We finally finished our journey of anger and rage
I began to have months and then years with no outbursts
I began to think I was done with the inner seeking, the shame
Then we began anew to work on judgment, again and again
Wish me luck and stamina
I know we will slay this dragon someday
I know I am not alone as long as I show up
As long as I keep myself in a humble place of trying
All is good and I will be truly whole!
