God is not separate from me really. I am made in the image of God. I have the potential power of wholeness waiting for full activation. I am always learning and I am able to create in infinite ways. There is a small, constricted voice inside me though that pulls me off kilter all too often. Again and again I need to go into Silence to rebalance. Sometimes I get there quickly and other times it takes days or weeks to rebalance from little slings and arrows I carry inside. There are fewer inner places of sabotage now than there used to be. There is more balance and grace inside than earlier in my life. There always seems to be some inner place though that still needs attention and healing. That knowing has become the norm for me.
I have stopped expecting to arrive somewhere and have all things just perfect. I am learning to be an eternal learner and seeker. That has become my expectation and I rarely know what is coming next for me. Somewhere along the way, I let go of directing, of needing to have my inner work and my days planned. I have learned how to go with the flow and how to not need to control so tightly. I have to keep listening to what is best for me. When I choose what is best for me, love flows, patience show up, and joy suffuses my days. Then another unhealed area inside shows up again and off we go until balance is restored.
I used to think that I was seeking permanent joy and ease. But really what I am seeking all day, most every day is connection with the Greater Whole. I like the feeling that I matter, that I am loved, that I am contributing in small ways to my health and that of others. This sense sustains me and allows me to look at my most stuck places inside. I now know those places do not define me. When I find them, I can release them and I am more whole, more loving, and more compassionate with me and towards others.
When the rigid, unhelpful places do appear, I am often surprised that those feelings are still hanging around. I am caught off guard at first, as negative feelings and reactions rise in all their ugliness. Then I remind myself, that is not who I am. Those feelings are surfacing precisely so I can command them out and move on. I have the total choice to hang onto those unpleasant feelings or to consciously release them. That is a reassuring place to be. For just a moment I might revert to seeing those feelings as defining me. But really they don’t define me. They show up as the lesson of the day. They show up precisely when it is time to release them from my field. And thus, the journey continues.
It is easier now to accept that there are endless piles of constricted, unhelpful feelings I have given my power to. They are still lurking about but I know I will be able to precisely name them, cast them out, and return again to balance. I have stopped waiting with bated breath for the lesson of the day to show up. The lessons seem to be organized somewhere beyond my mind and energy. They seem to show up systematically whenever the timing is right for me to address them and let them go.
We have a bit of a rhythm going now, whatever still needs to be released shows its true colors and I am surprised, then perhaps resistant, then I listen quietly to what is needed from me. Finally, I take that familiar road to casting those not so good feelings out of my energy field and head outside into the sunshine, knowing this process may repeat itself all over again tomorrow.
I choose to be defined these days by the sense of connectedness I feel with Divine Source. I will probably always have areas needing healing and attention. A lifetime of clearing and releasing unhelpful energy has taught me that all that is negative within may manifest in me for the moment but I can choose to tag that ugliness so it can be transformed into something that is light, kinder and more loving. There is no where to actually get to these days. There is just the process of attending to what shows up as the lesson of the day. And So It Is!
